A COVID test for my flower.
The truth is, it’s been the best one yet! Warning: Men~ you may want to sit this truth out. Ladies ~ This just might be the truth you need to hear.
Photo Credit: Shannon Cotterill
The truth is…
My Va-jay-jay does NOT have COVID. I repeat: it is not sick, nor does it have any symptoms of illness so you can get that image right out of your minds!
At the start of the year, I got that dreaded letter in the mail the one I’m sure most of us ladies don't exactly look forward to:
"Bianca,
We kindly remind you that it’s been five years since your last cervical screening test. Please book one with your local GP at your earliest convenience”
Honestly, I don’t know what feels worse when I read that letter? The convenience part, the dreaded test part, or the realisation that time has not just flown by, it’s quite literally snuck up and bitten me… not on the ass, but on my coochie!
Instantly, shivers run down my spine. I can already feel the speculum in between my legs, and trust me, there are zerowarm fuzzy tingles associated with that feeling.So, I do what any rational woman would do: file the letter to the bottom of my to-do list. Eventually, I’d get to it. And I did — four months later. Honestly, not bad. Some things in that pile take years to be ticked off.
A few weeks back, I picked up the phone to make the booking, and as always, I weirdly get nervous…
Me:
“Yes, hello, I’d like to book an appointment please…”
(God, please don’t ask me what for)
“…and preferably with a female doctor.”
(I always feel like I’m cheating if I see a male doctor — is that weird?)
Booked. SMS received: Hi Bianca, this is a reminder for your upcoming appointment with Dr Cindy Lin Leung on Wed 9 Apr at 8:45AM at FTMC.
The morning arrives, and here’s where my thought process begins:
Pilates at 7:00am.
Home by 8:00am.
20 minutes to shower and freshen up the fanny.
Outfit... pants are too awkward. Skirt? Nah.
Dress? Yes — easy access, no hassle.
Now, underwear this is a situation on its own.
No period panties as they're barely hanging on.
G-string? God, no. What if it gives off the wrong impression? What if she lectures me on how, at my age, they’re not appropriate and bad for the punan? I settle on full-brief, light lilac cotton no lace. Basic. Not sexy, but not hideous. Impressions matter, even for a vaginal check-up.
I arrive at FTMC at 8:45 on the dot not a minute early, not a minute late.
Hair is washed and blow-dried. The fanwa feeling fresh. Makeup at minimal effort, but put together. Pink dress on appropriate, it’s a girly day. Mood questionable ask me afterwards.
“Binka Wakelan”
God love Dr Cindy and her charming pronunciation. She takes me into her room, sits me down, and gets right to it.
“Hello, I am Dr Cindy Leung and I believe your here today to do your cervical screening test, is that correct?”
THANK GOD she didn’t say Pap Smear!
Honestly, what a name.
Number one: no nickname for my vagina has ever involved the word “Pap.”
And number two: it’s not a smear — it’s more like a Snatch & Grab test.
Did you know that it was named by man. Dr. Georgios Papanicolaou — “Pap” from his last name. Only a man would want to claim that. And “smear”? That’s just how the sample is prepared.
Still wish it was all just a smear.
Anyway, back to Dr. Cindy and me.
Questions. Lots of them. All about my kitty. I start wondering: was I asked this much five years ago? Should I be worried? Where is this heading? At this point, buying me a drink first might be nice.
Finally, we get to the crux of the crutch — and it all starts to make sense… in a BIG way.
“Well, it sounds like everything’s healthy, which means I can offer you the option of a different test if you prefer. It’s like a COVID test…but for your vagina.”
Sorry - YOU SAY WHAT?!
Dr. C, now has become officially my new bestie! She hands me a clear, sealed package that looks like the world’s longest cotton bud — with a tiny brush at the end. Pretty much identical to the COVID nose swab, just thinner, smaller, and already way more appealing.
All I had to do was:
Step 1: Go back to the comfort of my very own bathroom at home.
Step 2: Insert the cotton bud like a tampon.
Step 3: Hold it there as far as it can go and swirl 5x.
Step 4: Pot it back in the tube.
Step 5: Seal the bag, wash the hands.
Step 6: Drop it back to the surgery for pathology.
THAT’S IT?!?!
Couldn’t be closer to a COVID test if it tried — just a different hole, further south.It was honestly the easiest test I’ve ever done. Easier than the COVID nose test, which — let’s be real — makes your eyes water and triggers a gag reflex from hell.
Seriously, where have I been? Living in my lady cave, clearly. I had no idea things had changed. My mind — and Va-jay-jay — were blown away.
Now, here’s truth: I wanted to share this story not just for the truth of what really happens to myself and what I assume a lot of us go through when faced with the dreaded Snatch & Grab ordeal but mainly to raise awareness around this.
To anyone who relates, who dreads that appointment, or avoids it altogether — things have changed.
We’re talking about your pink palace, your special spot or whatever name you give her. This is a good change. The kind of change we woman deserve.
Sure, gender equality still has a long way to go but this?
This is a win. And honestly, the best one I’ve felt yet.
(Literally.)
No more dread. No more delay.
Whether it’s your 5-year checkup, your very first time, or even better you don’t want to walk into a clinic at all, there’s good news. At-home cervical screening tests are now available yes, really! You can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. No stirrups, no awkward small talk, no cold instruments. Just a quick swirl, seal, and done prevention on your terms.
Because the truth is, prevention is in the test and peace of mind is in doing it.
And whether you call it your Hoo-ha, Va-jay-jay, cervix, coochie, fanny, punan, fanwa, snatch, kitty, crutch, pink palace, or just plain old vagina (you do you, girl) you deserve to take care of her.
Not just for now, but for your future.
So if this story made you laugh, feel a little braver, or just a bit more seen please I kindly ask you to share it. Share it with your girl gang, your sisters, your friends, your mums, your daughters. Because we all deserve to feel comfortable, informed, and empowered when it comes to our health down below.
Let’s tell the truth by normalising the convo, reducing the fear, and taking care of the queens that we are — one swirl at a time. 👑💗
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